If you're not the one.
Sunday, July 25, 2010, 8:11 AM
Can I not wait anymore?

There is too much to talk about, too much to say. Im afraid, i'll explode one day.

Can we be like normal couples? Spending their everyday together? Might not have to be everyday, but, the feeling is just too far. too far apart.

Im not talking about the distance. No. not the distance. The feeling. I am not afraid of being alone, because i've been alone before this relationship. i am afraid of what i am holding on now might not turn out to be how it is supposed to be. I really wish, to be having a bf who knows my life inside out. to be able to know when im happy/sad. whats happening to me. what i am going through. I certainly do not think you are the one. Not in the past. Not now. Not in the future.

I want you to hold my hands, tell me you cared. show it. not by telling me you missed me. not by skyping and telling me how bad your life is. I used to think, as long as we're in contact, everything is just like normal. No. i'm being too naive. i know.

im tired of making myself believe. believe in you, believe in myself. forcing myself to think that i'm alright. Forcing myself to become someone i dun recognise any longer. i hate this. so much.
i wants to be like how others goes thru relationship, so carefree. i wouldn't mind quarreling. i wouldn't mind cold wars, as long as we are there for each other, im happy. becos through all these, we learn and we grow and we'll love each other more. we're giving in to each other too much. too much that it begin to feel like a daily chore. chore makes me tired. tired to pretend. tired to act. tired to deceive. deceive not only myself, but pple around me. including u.

i put in alot of effort. did you see? i did. those are things you'll never see. becos you're too far to see. you left, saying its for our good. i dun see it. its for you yourself. you made the choice. our relationship isn't even firm, you made the choice to leave for KL to 'study'. Have you started? have you even thought of why should i wait for u? is it a must? No, its not.

But i chose to wait. again, you made the choice. i've no say. i wants to prove everyone wrong, to show them that things will work out. but no. im too tired. tired from trying. can i stop trying? i have my choice, didn't i? When can we behave like normal couples? you said you'll try ur best. i believe you're trying. but i dun see the day coming. at all.

what i wished for is, to be able to spend days listening to ur voice, hold ur hands tight. talk about the happy things, sad things, share our daily lives. catch a movie together, have breakfast/lunch/dinner together, comment on how good/or the food is, whether we should come support this foodplace the next time. when walking pass a cafe, try out their ice cream/drink and we sit down for hours to talk about silly happenings again. we might not have to meet every single day, but, at least the feeling is, YOU'RE HERE WHEN I NEED YOU.

But, you're not. be it in person, or the feeling of your concern, is just, FAR. i need to say, i dunno how long can i endure. how long can i speak up for you when friends/linda/colleagues asked bout you. maybe one day, i'll have the courage to tell you, lets stop trying. and tell the pple who cared for me, we've stop trying. that is when. i really really feels relieved. i think. because that is the day, i can stop convincing myself and others, that both of us will prove that we will work out well. the stress will be over, the feeling of waiting, will end. the feeling of living as a happy teenager comes to live and the JN will survive.

I hope there will be a day, I can prove to myself, not whether we can work out. but to prove to myself that, i am strong enough to handle this relationship well, be it good or bad. as for now, im still waiting. stupidly waiting. for a day i never know gonna come.


CAN I NOT WAIT ANYMORE?